Finding yourself, having true inner peace and confidence is something that can be a challenge. It is so easy to get caught up in others expectations, even sometimes your own expectations, that finding self-confidence, self-worth and inner peace almost seems unattainable. Towards the end of high school I thought I had really found myself, I was confident and knew what I wanted and where I was going. But then there was college, meeting my boyfriend (now husband) learning how to live in the real world, first real jobs, getting married and playing the wife and then mother role, and in all that I lost my sense of self. Becoming a mom has been the most challenging, because your life is now your kids life. You spend 9 months with your job being to grow them, and then your job is to keep them alive and you are constantly worried about their well being, which is difficult when it feels like all they want to do is the most damage they can. Now, I don’t know if it’s my hormones finally balancing back out after having 3 kids or if its turning 30, but I am finally ready to find myself again.
I had lost myself to everyone else, everyone’s expectations, including my unrealistic expectations of who I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to have accomplished, how I’m supposed to feel, and I am finally ready to say Enough. I’m done trying to be something, someone, I’m not. This past holiday season has especially brought out the worst in me. For those who know me you may not have been able to tell, but I was a mess. I was so stressed and just trying to survive everything, moving from one thing to the next, not truly experiencing any of it. I feel like I wasn’t truly present in the moment, but just floating by, and I hated it. I’m done, no more. I’m taking control again.
I have never been big on resolutions, just read my post from two years ago “Resolutions“, but this year, I’m ready to do it. I am devoting 2019 to finding myself, and hopefully in the process, bettering myself. Giving myself permission to say no to people, to take time for myself, even in the things that don’t even seem like things, like getting a haircut (which I haven’t done in over a year.) I used to love to read, so I’m challenging myself to read one book a month. I want to finish a coloring book, actually finish a devotional and to rediscover my faith by going to mass regularly. I want to put the phone away and actively play with my kids, take family trips and have more than one date night with my husband. I know to accomplish these things I will have to let others go, and I am giving myself permission to not make the bed every day, to have dirty dishes at night, and if everything on my to do list doesn’t get done, it’s still ok to take a break and watch a show with the hubby, because sometimes that’s more important. I hope to expand my business, start yoga, and be a better friend, wife, sister, mother, daughter, but on my own terms. Its’ time to let my inner hippie, overly optimistic, feather wearing self-shine!